


It's Quiet Uptown

by Underling



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: I'm so sorry, M/M, Overdosing, Pain, Suicide, Triggers, love letters to the dead, this is just really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Underling/pseuds/Underling
Summary: Thomas’s eyes landed on the empty pain pill bottle, sitting calmly on the side table.“Sir,” the voice was urgent now.“My boyfriend,” Thomas finally choked out. “He-he… I think he overdosed. He’s not breathing.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Like the tags say, there is a trigger warning attached to this. Two characters commit suicide.  
> This is... very sad. I actually cried when I wrote it.  
> I hope you enjoy.

_Thomas…_

_I don’t know if this letter is going to give you closure… or if I’m just writing this to make myself feel like I can do this._  
_I don’t have one reason to do this. I have many and for you… I’m going to write a few of them down._  
_Because you deserve to know why I did this._  
_I met you my freshman year of college. You were a junior at the school. We were in a class together… and the first time I met you, the only thought in my mind was… wow._  
_You were gorgeous… Hell, you still are._  
_And then you opened your mouth. Your stupid, perfect mouth with your stupid, perfect teeth._  
_I never met someone who could debate as well as you could._  
_I found myself constantly looking at you. The day I was going to finally stand up and say something, to ask you out… you were one step ahead of me._  
_On our third date, my shirtsleeve rode up some. You saw one of the scars there and asked me what happened._  
_I lied and said that a cat had scratched me._  
_I knew you didn’t believe me, but you didn’t call me out and you held my hand instead._  
_But you deserve to know._  
_If not you, who?_  
_My junior year of high school, I was a target of far too many jokes and comments._  
_The razor was grounding._  
_You were the first person to ask me what they were._  
_And I lied to you._  
_My mother died when I was twelve… I was left with my cousin and he… he killed himself._  
_Ironic. Right?_  
_I had no money. I had nothing…_  
_I clerked… sold things… sold time… my time…_  
_I finally got away and terrible things still followed me here._  
_I don’t want to go into gory details… because it won’t help you._  
_It was a long time ago._  
_You were the first good thing in my life in a long time._  
_You were good, Tom. You were good._  
_With you… things felt right._  
_And then we went to that club._  
_I wasn’t kissing that guy. I swear I wasn’t. I was trying to get away from him. But I know how you saw it… and I couldn’t blame you for it._  
_As I’m writing this… we’ve been apart for two weeks._  
_I went to a bar tonight._  
_There was a guy there. He had greasy hair and a voice that made me want to vomit._  
_He tried to get close to me._  
_And I tried to leave._  
_Tried._  
_He found me outside and took me into the alley._  
_I won’t tell you what he did to me_.  
_But you have to know…_  
_That’s why I did it._  
_You didn’t kill me, Tom._  
_This all falls on me._  
_And on him._  
_And on all those people who… hurt me._  
_I swallowed a bottle of pain meds… and I sent you a text that just said, ‘Goodbye.’_  
_I hope you believe me when I say it’s not your fault._  
_And I hope you don’t make it in time to save me._

_____ _

_____ _

_I love you._

_Goodbye…._

_Alex…_

Alexander gently folded the note, neatly sitting it on his bedside table.

He looked at the empty bottle, once filled with painkillers. The fill date read two days ago.

His head was growing dizzy, his eyes starting to blur at the edges.

He vaguely heard his phone chime, though he was already too weak to reach for it.

He welcomed the darkness like an old friend.

…

Thomas burst into the apartment in a flurry, mind clouded, focused on one thing and one thing alone.

Alexander.

He’d been asleep when he received the text. He had debated on ignoring it, it was late, what could he possibly want?

But something told him he should look at it.

_Goodbye._

He knew immediately that something was wrong.

They had barely talked in the two weeks since their fight when Thomas had said it would be better for Alexander to leave. It was the worst decision he had ever made.

The apartment was silent, dark. Thomas pulled out his phone to use as a light.

Alexander’s bedroom door was open, his light was dim.

Thomas slowly walked in, his heart stopping at the sight.

Alexander was laying on the bed, and to most people, he probably looked like he was simply sleeping.

But his body was rigid; there was white froth at the corners of his mouth, tear tracks dried on his cheeks.

Thomas was running in slow motion, falling on the bed and pulling the man he loved into his arms.

“No, no,” he gasped. “Please, Alex, no.”

He felt for a pulse, something he didn’t find.

He dialed 911 on his phone, unable to tear his eyes away from the man in his arms.

“911, what’s your emergency?” the woman’s voice was too chipper, too happy.

“My,” what? His boyfriend? He was taking too long.

“Sir?” the happy voice sounded worried.

Thomas’s eyes landed on the empty pain pill bottle, sitting calmly on the side table.

“Sir,” the voice was urgent now.

“My boyfriend,” Thomas finally choked out. “He-he… I think he overdosed. He’s not breathing.”

Typing. The sound of keys on a keyboard being pressed down.

“Do you know how long ago it happened?”

Thomas hesitated, looking at his phone. “He sent me a text half an hour ago.”

More typing.

“Okay, sir, I’m dispatching a unit, but I need your address first.”

Thomas thought for a moment, trying to recall the building name, the apartment number.

He quickly relayed the knowledge to the woman.

“Okay, good. They’ll be there in a few minutes. Do you want me to stay on the line with you.”

Looked down at Alexander, hung up the phone.

…

_Were you with him when it happened?_

No.

_Did you know he was going to do this?_

No.

_Did you know he was suicidal?_

I don’t know.

_Who is his emergency contact?_

Me.

_Do you have anyone we can call?_

I’ll do it.

_I’m so sorry for your loss._

Loss. Loss. Loss.

Lost.

…

“John.”

“Thomas? It’s nearly four in the morning. What do you want?”

“It’s about Alexander.”

_Silence._

“John?”

“What happened?”

Hesitation.

“Thomas. Tell me.”

“He overdosed, John.”

“When?”

“Within the last half hour.”

“Where are you?”

“Hospital.”

“Let me call Laf and Herc. We’ll be there soon.”

Dial tone.

…

4:30 AM

Doors opened slowly.

Thomas looked up, watched Alexander’s three best friends walk in. Already dressed in black. Knew that it wasn’t going to be good news.

…

5:07 AM

Doctor Something or Other came to speak with them.

_Brain Dead._

Echoing in Thomas’s head.

…

5:31 AM

Emergency contact.

Decide when to pull the plug.

Family had to see him.

No family.

Big family.

Washington. The Schuylers. Ben.

Worried voices. 

So many tears.

Flatline.

…

1 day after.

9:08 AM

Funeral arrangements.

_Does he have a will?_

No.

_Family?_

Us.

_Cremated or buried?_

Buried.

_Big funeral?_

Us.

_Flowers?_

Roses? No. He hates those.

Hated.

….

10:31 AM

Peggy was sleeping. Dried tears on her face. Her sisters kept watch over her.

…

11:52 AM

Someone got the mail. Maybe John.

Alexander’s obituary was already printed.

More tears.

…

1:09 PM

“You need to eat Thomas.”

“I’m fine.”

Angelica left to get food.

…

5:55 PM

The girls left. 

Hercules left silently.

Lafayette gave him a hug before going.

…

10:33 PM

John left.

…

1:21 AM

Sleep washed over Thomas like a shipwreck.

…

The next morning.

Two days after.

10:30 AM

The funeral home.

Alexander in a coffin. Dark wood. Looked like he was sleeping.

His skin was pale.

Too pale.

…

12:51 PM

Lunch was silent.

No one ate.

Lafayette didn’t say a word.

…

8:39 PM

Thomas was alone again.

“Why’d you have to go?”

_No answer._

…

Three days after.

The funeral was small.

One row filled in the parlor.

Violets.

Short drive to the cemetery.

Thomas’s car was right behind the hearse.

…

4:33 PM

No one ate dinner.

No one stayed late.

…

One month after.

Thomas sold Alexander’s apartment.

Sold his own.

Sent everything to Monticello.

Told Washington he’d work from there.

…

Lafayette left for France.

John went back to South Caroline.

Hercules stayed in the city.

No one talked.

…

Two months later.

First time Thomas came back to the city.

Rain.

He visited Washington. Had dinner with him and his wife. Had to leave early.

Visited Hercules.

He had a picture of Alexander on his studio wall.

Thomas ran away before he could break down and cry.

…

It was still raining when he visited the grave.

Fell to his knees in front of it.

“I miss you,” gasped out words.

“I wish you didn’t leave.”

Could almost imagine him beside him.

“I love you.”

…

He left.

Never turned back again.

…

_Dear Alexander,_

_It’s been one year._  
_Laf went home. So did John. They were too sad in the city. Herc stayed. Said it made him feel closer to you._  
_I’m back at Monticello. I planted daisies. You told me once that you liked them._  
_I still can’t sleep._  
_I miss you._

_I love you._

_Thomas._

_…_

_Dear Alexander,_

_Two years._  
_Laf came to visit._  
_He doesn’t say much anymore._

_I love you._

____

__

_Thomas._

____

_…_

____

_Dear Alexander,_

____

_It’s been five years._  
_Did you know it would still hurt this much?_

__

_____ _

_I love you._

_____ _

_Thomas._

_____ _

_…_

_____ _

_Lafayette,_

_____ _

_It’s been six years since Alexander died._  
_I think it was heartache that killed Thomas._  
_He put a gun to his head two nights ago._  
_They found him with a note that read, I love you._  
_The funeral is in five days._  
_I do hope you make it._

________ _ _ _ _

_George Washington_

________ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr and yell at me.
> 
>  
> 
> [https://underaspark.tumblr.com/](url)


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